Only the Lonely...

I guess I’ve always been a solitary soul in way or another.  When I joke or tell people this they laugh and say “no way!”  Over the years I’ve done a good job at masking the real me I suppose, now I don’t mean in a weird, crazy way but I definitely do have a part of me that’s rather introverted and lacking in confidence.   I know hard to believe! 

Prior to backpacking around the world I felt like I had to be surrounded by people and activities all the time, non-stop, just to feel comfortable, clearly all of my insecurities coming to the forefront.  However, I learned quickly when traveling that I didn’t need to have people around me to feel okay with me being me.  I became very comfortable and happy with my own company and solitude and as such over the years have drawn on this feeling of independence many times to get past the hurdles we all face.

 

Zach & Sami - San Francisco
September Long Weekend - 2012 

 So it was strange how this long weekend and not being with Zach and Sami made my feelings of loneliness resurface.  This time last year the three of us were in San Francisco on one of our many adventures…we all loved it, and had so much fun together.  We just travel well together.  J

I had been dreading and for the most part trying to ignore the fact that this years long weekend in September would be different.  All week I tossed around the idea of getting on a plane last minute and going some place I’d never been before to explore, but realized that I’d be running away from my fear of loneliness. 

Nope, I was going to stay put!   I was just going to embrace the feelings and confront them head on.  I have no real timeline or agenda this weekend and plan to just take it as it comes, and “go with the flow”.  This has been something I’ve tried to embrace wholeheartedly over the years…just take it as it comes and go with it.   I suppose that’s why I’ve felt so at home in my Improv classes as that’s the underlying premise of Improv “yes and…”.

Why do I feel this way is the bigger question?  

Clearly my formative years is where it’s rooted – no question about that, but wouldn’t you think that after all of these years that you’d grow out of it, or get over it.  Nope, apparently not!    

These deep-seated insecurities and feelings of not being good enough were ingrained at an early age and bugger me if I just can’t seem to get past it.  Was it that I had five siblings and we all fought for attention from our parents, although mostly Mum?   The other complicating factor in this equation is that growing up poor and at the lowest end of the social spectrum in a small town quickly made you feel inferior to everyone around you, thus separating yourself and becoming a bit of a loner.

Even with both parents gone now, I still feel like I’m trying to measure up and be “good enough”.  Through no fault of my siblings, I was never the smartest, or the best student, nor the best athlete or the most loving son….they all fell to my siblings in one form or another.  I suppose in retrospect I’ve been searching for a reason for my parents to love me, even though my parents are both now dead it doesn’t seem to matter, I still search for ways to prove that I’m good enough.  

A perfect example of this is when I made Partner at Accenture, which is one of the largest consulting firms on the planet and arguably one of the most competitive corporate environments in the industry...its well documented that they only hire the best and brightest, so to make Partner in a company of 250,000 A-type personalities and brilliance was quite an achievement, even if I say so myself. 

Such a great weekend!

 Within days of getting word that I’d been promoted Dad was diagnosed with Brain Cancer…   I never had the heart to tell him about my promotion, because in the grand scheme of things it didn’t seem to matter.  Did I feel robbed of my “moment in the sun”, I suppose on some level I did but who other than a completely selfish and self absorbed narcissist could be upset about it – I mean c’mon?

The bigger question is "Will I ever be able to prove to myself that I'm worthy or good enough".  Hhhhmmm, that’s the $64 dollar question isn’t it?  Its irrelevant what others think (to a point), but more importantly do I believe I’m am?  

Will the day come when I can distance myself from these insecurities and feelings of loneliness and indeed, "measuring up" to come to terms with what I've achieved in my life so far?   I hope so, its tiring when you're constantly combating these feelings.

Over the years I've been to various counselors to help me come to terms with my maladies, and by and large they've helped tremendously but to be honest there is only so much counseling that I can take before having to retreat and put some distance between me and these sessions to get perspective.  

So, this weekend I'm going to try and stand back emotionally and observe me, my life and my achievements to this point, and endeavour to appreciate my journey so far and even perhaps celebrate a little. J   

I'm hoping that I can get on friendlier terms with these feelings.

What do you think?   Good plan?

Bob who?

It was 1979 and Craig an I were sharing a house in our third year of University, Craig’s brother Alan whom we shared a house with the previous year had decided that Engineering wasn’t working for him and so did not return to school to finish his degree.

I remember that Alan was on one of his flying visits for the weekend and crashing with us, he mentioned to Craig and I that we should go see this great band that was going to be in Melbourne the following week, he assured us even though it was mid-week it would be worth the trip...   Al always had a story, which was accompanied by loads of hype and enthusiasm, and I must admit it was a bit infectious!

Without another word, Alan shows up our place on the designated day of the concert ready to pick us up for the trip to Melbourne.  In those days the drive to Melbourne was about an hour and a half to two-hours depending on the partly completed freeway, but given that it was a Tuesday night we thought that the traffic wouldn’t be too bad so we gave ourselves lots of time.

It was on the drive down that we discovered that we didn’t have tickets per see, but Alan assured us that he would get us some tickets and not to worry.  At this point I still had no idea who we were going to see except that Alan was mad keen to see them.

Arriving into Melbourne just before 7:00 pm, we found a park a few blocks away we made our way toward Festival Hall, which in those days was “the” venue in Melbourne for all major musical performers. 

The original Festival hall was built in 1915 but destroyed in 1955 by fire before being rebuilt to host both the Gymnastics & Wrestling for the 1956 Melbourne Olympic Games.  Over its storied history it’s seen every major musical act that’s toured Australia, including the Beatles, Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, Oasis and more recently Red Hot Chilli Peppers but to name a few.   Its also seen its fair share of World Championship boxing bouts, wrestling, roller-derby, ball-room dancing and even the first Indoor Tennis exhibition in Australia featuring John McEnroe and still going strong to this day.

As soon as we approached the venue we noted the large crowd forming outside, as Alan quickly disappeared to go find tickets, at which point Craig and I checked out the talent (yes, the ladies!), and as I recall it was both plentiful and spectacular. J

 We noticed that the concert was for a guy named Bob Marley and the Wailers?   I remember saying to Craig “I hope this guy is okay?”...

I saved my ticket stub from the concert

Sure enough, true to his word Alan reappears with a huge grin and clutching three tickets in his hand. 

We entered via the Dudley Street entrance but not really knowing the layout of the venue we weren’t sure about our tickets until we walked in and were ushered to...the fourth row, floors! 

Now, other than the fact that we were so close to the stage and you could feel the sweat from the performers splash on you from the stage when they were moving around, the place was thick with the blue haze of marijuana smoke, as you can imagine it was pretty thick.  J      What would a Bob Marley concert be without the ever-present “ganga” man...I mean c’mon?  In those days it was still considered normal to smoke in public venues like this, but for the non-smokers like me, it was exceptionally hard on the lungs.

The Russell Morris band played first, who in those days was a bit of an Australian music legend and it was bonus to see him as well, especially that close.  

Absolute pandemonium broke out when Bob Marley and the Wailers came out on stage. This was to be their final concert appearance of the “Babylon By Bus Tour” in Australia.  The month long tour had started in Japan April 5^th with the final concert being scheduled for Lahaina, Hawaii the following weekend, and they put everything into that show...I mean everything!

Babylon By Bus Album cover

I instantly fell in love with his music and the overall vibe, I was literally knocked off my feet they were that good.  Over the course of his set they played all the usual classics, of which my favourite and really the only song I recognized up until that night was “I shot the Sheriff”, and he had everyone on their feet dancing - the place was absolutely electric!

Zach is a big Jimmy Hendrix fan, and so tonight when he came over he asked if he could watch a documentary on Bob Marley.  “No worries” I said, and disappeared upstairs to go find the ticket stub from the concert in 1979.   Sure enough I found them and brought them down to show him. 

I must say even he was impressed to see the original ticket stub from the concert...a piece of musical history right in the palm of his Dad’s hand...”I guess he is cool after all I could imagine him thinking to himself?”

I feel exceptionally fortunate to have seen the concert with Craig and Al, especially since he only toured Australia once before his premature death from Cancer in May 1981 at the age of 36. 

He was a true musical legend and I witnessed history – how awesome is that? J